For as long as I can remember, I have battled with the dreaded imposter syndrome. It has been a secret internal battle, and for some reason, this beast seems to feed and grow larger with each major accomplishment.
I have always been an overachiever. Maybe that comes from the pressure my dad put on us kids, maybe because as the eldest of all my siblings, I felt the need to set an example, or maybe because of my competitive nature. Whatever the reason, I have always tried to be the best. Often, I fall very short of reaching the bar of perfection, but I try nonetheless.
Even being an overachiever, I still frequently catch myself thinking I am not good enough and that it is only a matter of time before everyone around me discovers that I am a fake, a phony, an imposter.
Recently, I took my toxicology board certification exam. After taking the exam, I told myself I needed to make plans to start studying again so I could retake it next year.
The results were released Thanksgiving week (maybe two days before thanksgiving), and to my shock, I passed! The first thought that went through my mind when reading my score was that “they must have made a mistake.” Maybe they accidentally put someone else’s score under my name. All week and weekend, I kept checking to see if the mistake had been corrected. It remained the same. When I mentioned to my sister and my boss that I had passed, they weren’t surprised at all. This led me to question why.
Every self-development podcaster or YouTuber at some point mentions that they, too, have dealt with imposter syndrome. Battling this feeling is one that I have to be very aware of. I sometimes forget how it can very easily hold me back with regard to speaking up in different situations.
As my 2022 year comes to a close, and I start thinking of new goals for the upcoming year, I realize that I need to set a personal development goal to help me grow out of this imposter phase. The truth is that somewhere deep down, I know I am good enough. I know I am capable of being great in any space I choose to be in, but I am also my own worst enemy. I subconsciously hold myself back.
I interact with students on a daily basis, and one of my goals is to empower them and let them know that they can achieve anything they set their minds to. However, they also have to be willing to do the work, to push through the pain of studying for hours on end, and to stop telling themselves that they aren’t smart enough to understand science or biology.
I don’t want to ever be seen as a hypocrite, and knowing that I, too, struggle with negative self-talk and not taking my own advice just stinks of hypocrisy.
So, here’s to my journey of actively shutting down that negative voice when it starts to whisper, “You shouldn’t be here.”
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